Overdue post

I finished chemo January 28th.  Another cancer date that I'll probably remember, along with diagnosis, mastectomy, and first chemo session.  It's been a week, so I don't feel any different than I have been a week after any other session, but I am happy that that stage is done.  Only five weeks or so to go until my hair starts growing back.  Somehow I imagined it would be faster than that, and I keep looking in the mirror for signs of growth, but nothing yet.  My husband's parents are visiting in a month, and I feel a little strange that they'll be here when I'm bald.  Somehow, the e-mail updates with pictures are different.

The hot flashes I've been getting from chemopause (a phrase I learned on the breast cancer boards...basically when chemo sends your body into early menopause) are getting a little worse.  I'm waking up several times a night and notice that I'm covered in sweat.   Ugh.

On a more positive, still sweat-related note, I've been going to the gym fairly regularly while I'm home, and just bought a pair of ridiculously expensive running shoes:

I figured that post-chemo I want to be more serious about getting healthy, and if a pricey pair of shoes will help me do it, then that works!  I'm starting the Couch to 5k program again and have been using the elliptical trainer other days.  I'm also doing some light weights a couple times a week.  I was self-conscious at first about going to the gym while wearing one of my headwraps, but now I don't worry about it, and even take it off when I get too hot. 

I applied for leave sharing hours at work and got them, so I've been a lot less stressed about financial issues.  I didn't get short-term disability since I came back to work three weeks after the mastectomy and went back between chemo treatments.  At least now I know how to plan my time off for reconstruction.  The woman who chairs the leave donation committee said I'd be eligible to request hours again if I needed them, so it's really nice not to have to worry again.

Overall, I'm feeling ok.  I'm glad chemo is finished, but it's intimidating to still have reconstruction and years of hormone therapy ahead.  I'm wondering when I'll start to feel "normal" again...I've always considered myself pretty healthy, and in some ways, I still do.  Mentally, cancer's been my #1 concern for months now, but I still consider it an aberration.  As in, "I'm pretty healthy, except for this whole cancer thing."  I know that it's a defining part of my life, but I'm still alive so far and want to get back to it!

Frustration

I've gotten over the latest "crap, I have cancer" blues, which is nice.  But today I got a call from the insurance company used by CU saying I don't qualify for short term disability.  Because I go back to work between chemo sessions, it's not "continuous" leave, and they don't cover intermittent leave.  So basically I would have been better off just not coming back to work at all.  What kind of a message is that?  I like my job, and when I was feeling well enough, I went back.  It's seriously messed up when I would have been better off financially if I haven't been working when I felt well enough.  Oh, and I got the call while I was waiting at the doctor's office to get my blood drawn for tomorrow's chemo.

Ken is, as always, wonderful.  We've been trying to save money each month so we can pay off the last little bit on our credit card and start saving for an eventual down payment on a house.  So of course, losing just short of my monthly salary is a big blow.  But he said that it's only money, and we can make that up. 

Oh, and my blood counts were crappy.  Good enough that they'll let me get chemo tomorrow, since I'm young and in theory will bounce back faster.  I didn't need to get Neupogen shots after I started Taxol last cycle, but since my blood counts are bad, I need to start getting them again.  I'd really been enjoying NOT having awful bone pain, so that's disappointing. 

So, overall, a pretty shitty day on my cancer journey, and I'm tearing up just writing about it.  And there's chemo to look forward to tomorrow.

Ugh

I've gotten tired of this whole cancer thing. It takes a lot of energy to stay positive, or at least cynically snarky about the whole thing. I'm halfway done with chemo and completely wiped out. So there's another half to go, then a small chance of radiation, then reconstruction sometime next summer, then five years of Tamoxifen. So at least five and a half years until my husband and I can start trying for kids. I'm only 28 now, so it's not like it's going to be a geriatric pregnancy, but we'd decided we were ready NOW.

I know everybody says that survival is a journey, and I guess I'm only starting now, but it seems like a really tired metaphor. So I guess I'm complaining a little/a lot, but things could be so much worse. One of my nephews has a preschool classmate with cancer. So at least I can understand what's going on. Also, I've got a really great support structure. I pretty much get to laze my way through treatment, sitting on the couch half the time. Work has been great, and someone is there to sub for me for about a week after each chemo session. Not having to worry about my job or insurance isn't something to take for granted, I know.

But I'm still sick of having cancer.

HATS!

Lately I'm really liking hats.  I got this one from Athleta and wore it to my third chemo:



Lots of people are wearing hats this time of year, which I guess is one good thing about going through chemo in the winter--it's easier to blend in. Not that I don't like my bald head, but I don't always feel like having everyone notice. I got three more Pistil hats online:







I rationalized it to Ken by pointing out that hats I can wear after cancer, while I won't wear the headwraps. He asked how often I wore hats *before* cancer, which wasn't the point at all.

I think I'll wear the last one for Thanksgiving, when we're going to dinner with a couple of friends.  Obviously they know my diagnosis, but I think I'd rather look like a pretentious, hat-wearing-during-the-meal-hipster than a cancer patient. I'm hoping I'll have enough energy to stay... long enough to eat some stuffing, anyway! Ken's making a pie and I'm making some potato rolls to bring, so I know there will be at least a couple things I can eat. This last cycle most protein, especially meat, has seemed really off-putting to me, so I've had a lot of mac and cheese (Ken makes it from Alton Brown's recipe).

Gratuitous mac and cheese shot now:

NOM.

Loving Sephora

There's nothing like losing your hair to make you want to accentuate what you have left.  My spending at Sephora has seen a significant uptick since I went bald.  I'm currently lemming this lipstick in "Caress Pink."  I've only heard descriptions of it on MakeupAlley, but I want it.  Should lipstick really cost $34?  Would it look that glamorous in my bag with old Kleenex and gum wrappers?  Questions for another day...


I went to a Look Good, Feel Better event a couple weeks ago, which was a disappointment.  The event was supposed to last two hours, but the person running it was 45 minutes late, and the rest of the time spent was mainly going over basic makeup application.  I shouldn't complain too much about getting free goodies, but making a special trip post-chemo took a lot of energy that I didn't have.  There were a couple nice items in the goody bag, but also things like a rancid MAC lip gloss.  I did meet a woman there who'd just finished reconstruction, and she let me take a look in the ladies room after the class.  I'm sure whoever else was in there thought there was something hinky going on, but it was really nice to be able to see the results in-person, instead of just photos online.

Hair loss, a photo journey

Starting point. Trying to grow it out. Note presence of boobs:



Shorter:


The mohawk:



Buzzed, with a shout-out:



All gone:

The Hair Post

Big changes hairwise.

First there was the blond:


Good for a Halloween costume as Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby.

Then I went brown:


Which was fun for a few days until my next chemo treatment:

(Mmm, cream soda ice chips) when I noticed it falling out.

I didn't want to wait for patchy bits, so Ken helped me buzz it off, with a mohawk in between:

and a special message:


I've got several hats/scarves from www.softhats.com. In fact, I've got the one they currently have up on their home page. They're really soft and easy to sleep in. I was surprised how cold my head gets without the hair!

Several women on the breast cancer forums have mentioned this, but if you've got cancer, http://www.franceluxe.com/ is an amazing website. They give away, completely free, a scarf to a cancer patient. I ordered this one:

Isn't it cute? It should be here in about four weeks. If you're interested, e-mail laurie@franceluxe.com. It sounded too good to be true, but I hear from several ladies on the boards that they've received one and that they're absolutely gorgeous.

Anyway, it the first day after my second treatment, and I'm feeling a lot better this time around. I don't know if it's that the procedure was less overwhelming the first time around or what. But being able to read an entire chapter of a book and type coherently are great, and I'll take it!