Frustration

I've gotten over the latest "crap, I have cancer" blues, which is nice.  But today I got a call from the insurance company used by CU saying I don't qualify for short term disability.  Because I go back to work between chemo sessions, it's not "continuous" leave, and they don't cover intermittent leave.  So basically I would have been better off just not coming back to work at all.  What kind of a message is that?  I like my job, and when I was feeling well enough, I went back.  It's seriously messed up when I would have been better off financially if I haven't been working when I felt well enough.  Oh, and I got the call while I was waiting at the doctor's office to get my blood drawn for tomorrow's chemo.

Ken is, as always, wonderful.  We've been trying to save money each month so we can pay off the last little bit on our credit card and start saving for an eventual down payment on a house.  So of course, losing just short of my monthly salary is a big blow.  But he said that it's only money, and we can make that up. 

Oh, and my blood counts were crappy.  Good enough that they'll let me get chemo tomorrow, since I'm young and in theory will bounce back faster.  I didn't need to get Neupogen shots after I started Taxol last cycle, but since my blood counts are bad, I need to start getting them again.  I'd really been enjoying NOT having awful bone pain, so that's disappointing. 

So, overall, a pretty shitty day on my cancer journey, and I'm tearing up just writing about it.  And there's chemo to look forward to tomorrow.

Ugh

I've gotten tired of this whole cancer thing. It takes a lot of energy to stay positive, or at least cynically snarky about the whole thing. I'm halfway done with chemo and completely wiped out. So there's another half to go, then a small chance of radiation, then reconstruction sometime next summer, then five years of Tamoxifen. So at least five and a half years until my husband and I can start trying for kids. I'm only 28 now, so it's not like it's going to be a geriatric pregnancy, but we'd decided we were ready NOW.

I know everybody says that survival is a journey, and I guess I'm only starting now, but it seems like a really tired metaphor. So I guess I'm complaining a little/a lot, but things could be so much worse. One of my nephews has a preschool classmate with cancer. So at least I can understand what's going on. Also, I've got a really great support structure. I pretty much get to laze my way through treatment, sitting on the couch half the time. Work has been great, and someone is there to sub for me for about a week after each chemo session. Not having to worry about my job or insurance isn't something to take for granted, I know.

But I'm still sick of having cancer.